Confessions of a Lover
by Gwenhwyfar1
Summary: Post Normal Again- Buffy tells the scoobies that she has been sleeping with Spike while he packs for a trip to Africa. Buffy finds herself having to find the truth of her feelings for the soon to be de-chipped Big Bad.
1. The First Confession

Disclaimer: none of this is mine  
  
  
  
  
  
Confessions of a Lover  
  
Chapter 1: The First Confession  
  
Its another lonely night in the all too familiar Sunnydale cemetery. Buffy's mind trails to the memories of the past when Angel was still around. She remembers the twisted family Spike had with Angel, Drusilla, and Darla. *Could a demon feel the sadness of being alone? Could Spike's confession of love for her be true? What if he still has part of the man inside him?*  
  
She didn't understand why she felt upset about breaking if off with him. She just knew that she had to talk to him about it. She didn't love him, but he had changed so much and she couldn't bear the pain that she was constantly causing him.  
  
As she headed for the crypt, she remembered the words he had said to her before she threw out the antidote. It was either him or her that would tell the scoobies and she knew what she had to do.  
  
"I have to tell the others first. He deserves that," she decided and turned around to head for home.  
  
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Spike was ranting and raving, destroying his crypt as he tried to forget the pain of being love's bitch.  
  
"How does she do this to me?! I am a bloody vampire, not a wanker! I feel like a lovesick puppy! Just give me a soul and call me peaches!!"  
  
The sun had just set and he was stuffing his belongings into a duffle bag. His thoughts were still circulated around Buffy however now he was desperately trying to avoid thinking about leaving her. He was coming back, but he didn't know when. He just knew he had to get his chip removed. It was holding him back. Not from eating, but from a relationship with Buffy.  
  
"If I ever see Captain Cardboard or any of his bloody camouflaged friends, I will beat them to a bloody pulp for doing this to me!" he whispered to himself.  
  
Spike went on yelling and throwing his stuff into the walls of the crypt, drowning his sorrow in rage against everything around him. He had finished packing and completely thrashed his crypt when he realized he needed someone or something to watch his crypt and Buffy while he was gone. He left his place as it was and went to find Clem.  
  
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"Buffy! You just left to patrol, what are you doing back so soon?…What…another apocalypse?" asked Dawn with her Spike influenced humor.  
  
"No. I need to tell you something."  
  
"What? Are you okay? Did something happen?" Dawn's face turned grim as she thought of all the horrible things that could be wrong.  
  
"No, nothing like that.. It's… well…"  
  
"Spit it out Buffy."  
  
"I need to get everyone together first. I don't want to say this more than I have to."  
  
Dawn ascended the stairs in a few quick leaps to retrieve Willow as Buffy headed for the phone to call Xander.  
  
When Xander arrived he noticed the two girls sitting in the living room questioning Buffy, who looked the way she did when she let Dawn slip through her fingers and into Glory's grasp. He suddenly felt a wave of fear take over him.  
  
"What's going on? What happened? Who died?" he said frantically.  
  
"Calm down Xander, I just have something to tell all of you."  
  
"Then why the 'I have just watched my dog get run over' face?"  
  
"I was lost in thought. This is very hard for me, but you deserve to know. I shouldn't keep it from you."  
  
"Well then stop with the cryptic talk and tell us," snapped Dawn who was frustrated with the half and hour waiting period that wasn't going to reveal any near death situations and therefore didn't seem that important to her.  
  
"There is no easy way to put this… I-…I-uh…well I…"  
  
"Say it!!" was yelled in unison by the three anxious listeners.  
  
Buffy closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and blurted out her news. "I slept with Spike."  
  
This is my first fic so please R/R. Tell me if I should continue the story. 


	2. A Cry in the Night

Chapter 2: A Cry in the Night  
  
  
  
The words came out a little too quickly giving Buffy a bit of a shock as she collapsed to the floor on her knees. She was stunned at what she had just said. *I told them* she thought. *I finally told them. They are never going to look at me the same way. But I had to do it*  
  
A tear began to fall from her eye when Willow broke the awkward silence.  
  
"Its okay Buffy. You'll get through this."  
  
"Wha- Wh- I- uh…whoa… well…yeah… wow." Xander piped in searching for what to say.  
  
"I knew it!" yelled Dawn. "You used him too didn't you. You wouldn't hide it if you thought you actually had some feelings for him! How could you!! He loves you, don't you see that!"  
  
"Its over now, though."  
  
"So all you can do is fuck him and throw him back in the street!" screamed Dawn, now more upset than she was before. She stormed up the stairs sobbing uncontrollably.  
  
"Don't worry Buffy. She'll come around," willow said, trying to comfort her.  
  
"Wha-Wh… How.. When…Why-… oh god!" Xander fell back on the sofa mumbling still in shock.  
  
"No! She's right" I used him! When did I turn into such a bitch!!" she complained, tears now flowing without restriction. She looked at her two friends and ran out the front door.  
  
________________  
  
Spike was walking back through the cemetery after his encounter with Clem and his trip to the pawn shop. He was counting the money he had just acquired from selling all his valuables including what was left of his mothers jewelry he had kept for so long.  
  
*Why do I love her? How can this slayer have made this Big Bad a good guy? How did she find the man lost in the demon?* He couldn't get Buffy out of his mind. "Why is Africa so damn far awa—"  
  
He cut himself off when he heard the sobs of a familiar girl running through the cemetery.  
  
*He has to know that I don't hate him. I hope he doesn't hate me. I don't think I could bear losing everyone's faith in one night. What if I've destroyed any love he had for me? I am a bitch.*  
  
"Buffy!?!"  
  
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"Wh-Wha-Where.. Why… How.. Ewww!"  
  
"Xander snap out of it! We have to be there for Buffy and Dawn needs comforting too.  
  
"I know, I just had a mental picture of the buffbot straddling Spike! Maiming has just taken place."  
  
"I understand the wiggins."  
  
They ascended the stairs and approached Dawn's room. Willow gently knocked on the door. "Can I come in?" she asked softly hoping Dawn would come to her senses and let her in.  
  
"Come in, if you must."  
  
"I know your upset Dawn, but don't be mad at Buffy. She obviously is upset about what she's done. We need to pull together and help her. She needs you right now," Willow pleaded.  
  
"I shouldn't have yelled at her so harshly. But Spike doesn't deserve that. She hasn't even given him a chance to prove his love. I know he's a vampire, but he's good. I know he is."  
  
"I know Dawn, I know."  
  
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Buffy was pulled out of her racing thought when she heard Spike's voice calling to her. She tripped and fell to the ground thickening her sobs and burying her head in the grass as he ran to comfort her.  
  
"What's wrong? You okay?"  
  
He stroked the back of her head and pushed the hair in front of her face behind her ears. The gentle touch of his cold hand lifted Buffy's chin to meet his eyes sending a chill through her body. He wiped away her tears and tenderly kissed her forehead trying to calm her down. How he loved her. *She's so beautiful even when she cries*  
  
"I'm… sorry," she said between sobs.  
  
He had no idea what she was sorry about, but he picked her up anyway and carried her to his crypt. 


	3. A New Hope

Disclaimer: None of this is mine.  
  
  
  
Confessions of a Lover  
  
Chapter 3: A New Hope  
  
  
  
Spike was staring at Buffy from across the basement of his crypt, just watching how beautiful she was when she slept. He wanted so much to kiss her and hold her, to be one with her. But he knew he couldn't. She would never let him inside herself. Her soul was open to everyone but him. He walked over slowly and sat next to her on his bed and tried desperately to hold back the tears. His heart was broken knowing that he was so close and yet so far away. *How did I let her do this to me? Why did I have to fall in love with the one woman I could never have?*  
  
He gently caressed her cheek with the back of his hand when Buffy's eyes began to flitter open. Spike averted his eyes and quickly drew back his hand hoping she hadn't realized he was making "moon eyes" at her.  
  
"How long have I been here?"  
  
"Only about and hour, pet." He remembered that she had thanked him earlier that night and wasn't sure whether or not to ask. However, he was curious and hesitantly asked "Why are you sorry?"  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"When I found you in the cemetery the last thing you said to me was 'I'm sorry'. I was just wondering why. You have no need to apologize to the likes of me, luv."  
  
"Oh, that. Well I am sorry for using you. Dawn knocked some sense into me and made me realize how I have treated you and well- I felt terrible." Her words were rushed, not sure what to say.  
  
"Like I said before, I'm okay with it," which of course he really wasn't. He wanted her to love him back, but he would take what he could get. There was a long pause before Spike realized what Buffy had implied. "What do you bloody mean Dawn made you realize how you've treated me. She doesn't know about…" He stopped mid sentence thrown back by what this epiphany could mean. *Had the woman he loved finally admitted to being with him and in some way wanting him?*  
  
Buffy looked to her feet as she shifted nervously in his bed. "You wanted everyone to know so… well… now they do." She glanced at Spike, who was totally speechless, and she began to mumble. "You said… and I thought… I didn't like how… I'm sorry." Her voiced trailed off and she quickly stood up ready to run out the door.  
  
"Wait." Spike was unsure of what to say but found something to keep her from leaving. "Umm…Thank you," he managed with a stupefied look.  
  
Buffy gave him a reassuring nod and slipped out the door before the news really sunk in to Spike. When he finally came out of the trance she had left him in, a quirky grin spread across his pale face. He fell back on his bed and thought that maybe he had a chance. There was something between them and she couldn't deny it, but now she might actually embrace it. Spike became dizzy at the thought of them together, both out of love for the other rather than him showing the love and her showing the disgust. As the rising of the sun approached, he drifted off to sleep with a smile still across his face that spread from ear to ear.  
  
_________________  
  
As Buffy ran home to settle her previous argument with Dawn, she couldn't help but grin. She knew she had made Spike happy and done the right thing. However she did not know where this would take her. Now that she had admitted to Spike that she felt bad for misusing him, he might want her to admit to liking him, or worse, loving him. She hadn't even admitted these things to herself yet. *I am not in love with him, I am not in love with him* she thought as she came up to the door of her house.  
  
"Dawn! Willow! Anybody here!"  
  
"Buffy! Are you okay! The way you ran out of here I wasn't sure what to think," said willow, worry in her eyes.  
  
"I went to tell Spike how I felt about using him. He was kind of in shock when I told him I told you guys, so I just left before he could say anything." Buffy searched the rooms in her view looking for Dawn.  
  
"She's upstairs in her room."  
  
"Thanks Will."  
  
Buffy noticed that Dawn's door was slightly open so she peeked her head in and asked if they could talk. Dawn avoided looking at Buffy, but allowed her in. She felt so bad about the way she had treated her sister. *Why can't they just get together* she thought. *They are perfect for each other. Spike is perfect* Her thoughts drifted to how Spike must feel since Buffy had broken up with him. However, she quickly shifted back to the situation at hand and broke the silence.  
  
"I shouldn't have spoken to you the way I did. It's just that Spike means so much to me and he's a good person. I don't want to see him hurt and- I mean… I didn't think about how you felt. I realize now that this is probably tearing you up inside."  
  
"Dawn. You were right. I did use him. I just needed someone to tell me. I went to Spike and told him that I was sorry."  
  
"You did?"  
  
"Yeah. We aren't together again or anything… there's still a lot I need to figure out." Dawn hugged Buffy as a tear fell down her cheek. Even if she was just a key, Buffy loved her. She wasn't a key to Buffy; she was her sister, forever.  
  
  
  
  
  
Don't worry it's not over. I just kinda had writer's block so this chapter isn't that good. Ch 4 will be better though. Things might just get a little steamy!  
  
Please R/R! I need inspiration! ( 


	4. Quake

Confessions of a Lover  
  
Chapter 4: Quake  
  
  
  
"Donut Delivery!" yells Xander as he walks in the front door with a box of fresh donuts like he often does in the morning. "Lots of cholesterol goodness waiting to be devoured!"  
  
Dawn rushed down the stairs ready for school and craving her usual donut breakfast while she headed for the kitchen. Buffy on the other hand was not in such a hurry. She had just finished a somewhat relaxing shower and was debating with herself about going downstairs. She eventually forced herself into a decent outfit. The smell of the donuts led her nose to the island in her kitchen where she grabbed a ring of stickiness and sat down. She noticed everyone bustling about like nothing had happened. Buffy couldn't help but think her confessions had only been a dream, but she shrugged off the wiggins.  
  
"Morning Buffy!" Will said giving her a comforting grin.  
  
"You seem abnormally cheery in comparison to trading of words we had only a few hours ago." Buffy had confused look about her and wasn't sure whether or not to ask if they had remembered the events of the previous night. Knowing Sunnydale, someone could have done something to their memories like the spell Willow so gracefully used a few weeks ago. *"Randy" Giles. That suits Spike much better than it does Giles* Buffy snickered inside her head then proceeded to ask the inevitable. "Are you guys okay with this?" she muttered timidly, shunning the harsh words she expected to fly out of Xander's mouth.  
  
"Why wouldn't we be okay with eating our usual unhealthy breakfast of fat rings?" asked Xander sarcastically.  
  
"I don't mean the food. I mean-" Buffy was cut off by Xander who corrected his response to her question. "I know what you meant. We're going to be okay with the Slayer dating Deadboy thing. Or at least everyone else will. I can only promise to try."  
  
"We trust your judgment and it's just a matter of getting used to," Willow added.  
  
"I hate to admit it, but even though he should be fertilizing the garden instead of you, I can tell that he makes you somewhat happy. If he didn't we wouldn't be discussing this."  
  
"Besides, it wasn't a total shock. We know the way he acts around you and I've seen the way you look at him sometimes, although you try and hide it."  
  
___________________  
  
Spike was lying peacefully in his crypt, dreaming away when a slow vibration rattled his concrete tomb. He awoke and immediately took a defensive position when he realized the earth was shaking. It stopped as unknowingly as it had come, but anyone who had lived in California for a decent amount of time knew that that wasn't the end. Spike leapt from his bed and into his jeans in one swift move, then pulled on a black t-shirt and slipped into his duster. As he headed for his blanket to get somewhere safe, the rumbling started again.  
  
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Dawn was about to head out the door when the floor started to shake. Buffy rushed to get to Dawn, but by the time she got to her, the shaking had stopped. *It's not over* she thought as she began to yell orders. "Everyone get to a doorway! Dawn, don't move!" She rushed to her sister's side and held on to her for dear life as the earthquake started again. Dawn began to cry as Buffy held her closer. All of their possessions began to fall from the walls and the bookshelves and the tables, crashing to the floor.  
  
Willow was freaking out and just stood there, instead of getting herself to safety. "Will! Get to a doorway!" Buffy screamed. Xander noticed the bookcase start to tip and he began to run towards Willow, knocking her out of the way as he was toppled to the floor buried in the aftermath. He wasn't moving, but luckily the ground began to settle. Buffy ran to Xander when she knew the quake had stopped, leaping over the broken items that were strewn across the floor, blocking her path.  
  
Willow had collapsed in tears and horror as she gazed at her friend. Buffy pulled him out of the wreckage and checked his pulse. His heart was beating and he was still breathing, but he was unconscious. Dawn called 911, but they said there would be a wait considering that the whole town of Sunnydale was now in ruins. They chose to take him to the hospital themselves.  
  
_________________  
  
Buffy was pacing, Dawn was trying to stop her crying, and Willow just sat in shock. The doctor entered the waiting room and the three women leapt to their feet and ran to meet him.  
  
"Is he okay? Tell me he's okay!" Dawn whimpered, momentarily stopping her tears.  
  
"He is just fine. He is a little bruised and has a broken arm, but he is going to be just fine. He's sleeping now, but you can go see him if you want. He should be waking soon."  
  
__________________  
  
After spending the day with Xander and knowing he was okay, Buffy decided she ought to patrol. She walked through the cemetery and her legs just led themselves towards Spike's crypt. The crypt had just come into view when Buffy felt something was wrong. When she got closer she noticed it looked like Stonehenge had been put in place of Spike's refuge, but someone forgot how to put it back together. A wave of fear swept over her as she began to run. When she reached the crypt, she was attacked by three vamps, but quickly dusted them in a fit of fear to find her, just recently, ex-lover.  
  
"Spike!" she cried. "Spike!" She began to dig away at the rubble when she uncovered a hand underneath, dried with blood.  
  
  
  
  
  
Please r/r! I love hearing reviews and I haven't had many. I don't know if I should keep writing or not. 


	5. The Darkness of Daylight

Confessions of a Lover  
  
Chapter 5: The Darkness of Daylight  
  
  
  
Smoke started rising from the limp hand that lay in the pile of broken concrete. There was no sound of discomfort from the body in the ruins. Buffy's heart sank as she quickly took off her jacket and placed it over the hand. *This can't be happening* she thought. *I know I don't love him, but I don't think I could go on without him right now. He keeps me going. No matter what happens he's there to make sure I don't give up. I can't give up now. He doesn't have to remind me this time* She realized how much she cared for the vamp that fell from the glory of evil. "I have to get him out of there! The daylight will not stop me!"  
  
Buffy got up and ran faster than she ever had before to reach the only person who could help. She ended up at the magic box hoping Tara would be there. When she entered she saw who she was looking for. "Tara! I need your help!"  
  
"W-what Bu-ffy? Wh-hat's wrong?"  
  
"It's Spike! The crypt collapsed and I can't get him out without him meeting a dusty end! Do you know of a spell that could hide the sun long enough for me to get him out? He's unconscious and I didn't know whom else to go to." Buffy's eyes showed her pain and Tara knew she had to help.  
  
"I-I think I know a pr-pretty simple spell that will create a g-good cloud cover and I-it should be dark enough."  
  
"Get what you need and meet me at the cemetery." Buffy had rushed to the door when she stopped and slowly turned around to face Tara. "Thank you Tara."  
  
Tara just nodded with a reassuring smile and Buffy turned back out the door.  
  
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Willow was still next to Xander's side after Buffy left. She felt the guilt of his injury on her shoulders. "I am so sorry Xander. I don't know what got into me?"  
  
"Hey, we're both okay aren't we? But if you want to make it up to me you can sign my cast and draw funny pictures on it!" Xander said with a little too much enthusiasm. "If Anya was here she would draw cute little bunnies. I miss her..."  
  
"I'm sure you'll figure things out with her. She's not going to find anyone else who will tolerate her stupidity and slightly distorted human behavior."  
  
"True. And her obsession with bunnies."  
  
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Buffy was kneeling next to her coat that sheltered Spike's hand from the searing pain of sunlight. She was crying. She didn't know why, but down in her gut she was screaming at herself for the way she's acted since her expulsion from heaven. He was the only one that could see inside her and see her pain. She knew that he Angel or Riley could never compare to the connection between her and Spike. It was an understanding, a friendship, a love that was buried inside her soul. Somehow he saw her, not the person she showed to everyone else, but the woman that was clawing to get out yet afraid of the consequences that would happen if she did. How had she fallen under his spell? How could he penetrate so deep inside her? For the first time since she was resurrected, she finally had a clear head and knew what she wanted. She wasn't afraid anymore. The woman Spike found in her was ready to come out and Buffy wasn't going to stop her.  
  
*I hid my feelings from him and myself, denied love, and pushed him away. Now I may never get to tell him that he was right all along. Everything he said about me was true. He wasn't convenient. He wasn't a thing. And he didn't disgust me. He made me feel alive, the same way I made him feel alive*  
  
"Spike…" she whispered with tears beginning to stream down her face. "I lov-"  
  
"Buffy!" Tara yelled cutting off Buffy's whispers. "I have everything! I can do it."  
  
"What do we do?"  
  
"Just get ready to get Spike out and back to your house before the sun comes back. I can only hold it for about 20 minutes."  
  
"Okay I'm ready."  
  
Tara creates a circle around herself with white sand and candles. She stands in the center and chants while energy begins to surround her. She closes her eyes and holds out her arms and speaks the incantation…  
  
Wind blow, lightning thunder, rain wail, and clouds cover.  
  
Darken the earth and do my will,  
  
Veil the heavens and let the sky fill.  
  
The sky turns dark and clouds sweep across, covering the sunlight and Buffy instantly makes her move. She unearths the broken body and pulls him from the debris. She flings him over her shoulder and runs towards her house. Seventeen minutes have gone by when she gets her house in view. She can see the clouds beginning to break apart and she sprints faster, burning in her legs. The sun begins to break through the clouds as she reaches the mailbox. The faint hint of smoke begins to rise from the body of her lover.  
  
  
  
  
  
Thanks for all the reviews! I haven't gotten many but the few I did get gave me the inspiration to keep writing. The next chapter will hopefully be up soon. Keep sending the reviews!! ;) 


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